Mommy Guilt

Yesterday, I was dragging all day. I was so exhausted that I went to the grocery store and when I looked at the gallons of milk, they looked so heavy and daunting, that I left without it and only picked up the light things that I needed. My throat was also beginning to hurt, and my limbs felt heavy, and I was afraid I was catching the flu.

So, it was my goal to get everything done early, so that I could get to bed around 9:30, for once.

Ellie was still awake at 10:30. When she finally fell asleep, I sank down into my bed, more than ready to let the delicious haziness take over and drag me under.

Ahh... Nice, cool sheets and pillows... I was drifting off.

And the blinds started clicking. I popped one eye open and glared at them, willing them to knock it off. They didn't. I got up and slammed the window shut, mumbling about how I would just have to be hot all night.

I laid back down and fell asleep.

At 2:30 am I felt Ricardo get in bed and snuggle against me. Which felt nice, but woke me up enough to stir my bladder into consciousness. I got up to pee. Passing Ellie's room, I noticed that he had opened her door, so I closed it, not wanting her to wake up with the noise of me in the bathroom. When I was done in the bathroom I went into the kitchen to get a drink. On my way back, I noticed that Ellie's door was once again open.

I went back to my room and shook Ricardo.

"Did you open Ellie's door again?"

"Yeah," he mumbled.

"Why??"

"Because it's cold in there."

"Well, I'm going to close it again. I don't want her to wake up."

I went out into the hallway and stopped short when I saw a little figure with messy hair standing in the doorway, fully conscious. Too late.

"Mommy, I'm still hungry," she whined.

I sighed. "Ellie, do you know what time it is? It's night time. It's not morning. It's not time to wake up yet. In the morning, I will give you something to eat. Now go lay back down in your bed."

"I said, IIIIII'M STIIIIIIILL HUUNGRYYYYYYY!!!"

For those of you who have never been the owners of a shiny new 3 year-old, this is what whining sounds like. All vowels become stretched out and exaggerated. Something in the vowel-stretching process triggers a severe annoyance somewhere in the adult Mommy brain, that even the most abundant reserve of Patience will not smother.

"Ellie, get back in bed!" I snapped.

That's when the crying started. It started out as a silent, sniffling cry. You know, like the one you may do when you're upset, but don't want to draw too much attention to the fact that you're upset. The "suffer in silence" cry.

I caved. "Do you want a slice of cheese?"

She nodded, wiping her eyes.

"Okay, but get in bed while I go get it, okay?"

She ran back to her bed and dove in. I gave her the piece of cheese, and a kiss on the forehead, made sure her water cup was at least 1/4 full on her nightstand, and headed back to bed. After I peed again.

I was dozing off again, when I heard more crying from Ellie's room.

My eyes snapped open furiously. Yes, at this hour, even eyes are peeved to be awake. I tilted my head to the side to hear the loud whining complaint that went along with the sobs. "IIIII--IIIIIIIIIIII CAAAN'T FIII--IIIIIIIIIND IT!!!"

Trigger the annoyance lobe of the brain again. I flung the covers off me, growling something to Ricardo about this being "all his fault" for opening the door in the first place, and stomped back to her room. "You can't find WHAT, Ellie???"

"M--myyy CHEEEEEEESE!!!" she wailed.

I took a deep breath. "Ellie, you ate your cheese already, it's all gone."

"No I DIIIIDN'T! It got lost in my sheets!"

"Why was your cheese in your sheets, Ellie? Why wasn't it in your mouth?" I demanded angrily.

"III--IIIII DON'T KNOOOOOOOOW!"

"Well, it's not in your sheets now, it must be all gone. Go to sleep."

"It's not all gone, it's down THEEEEEEEEEEEERE!!!" She pointed to the floor next to her bed. I saw nothing but a tangled string of butterfly lights (makeshift nightlight).

I looked back at her, fuming.

"It's behind my butterfly lights, on the FLOOR!"

I got down on one knee and felt around until I felt a squishy ball of warm gunk, that I knew must be the cheese. So, she had wadded it up into a ball and tossed it over the side of her bed-- yeah, she was real hungry all right.

And now, she wanted the carelessly discarded cheese back in her possession. At this point, I was becoming SO frustrated, I thought I was going to lose it.

I picked up the nasty blob and plopped it into her waiting hands. "Go. To. SLEEP."

She kept crying. And, I started crying. I was so tired and hormonal and frustrated! Ricardo came in. "Go to bed," he told me. I left the room, and listened as he took the grouchy papa bear approach, and then followed me back to bed.

The next two times she cried, I sent Ricardo in. Oh, he was thrilled. He yelled and threatened and closed her door all the way. She hates that. He closed our door also, after going into the laundry room to retrieve our fan, hoping to drown out the sobbing and wailing. I thought that was nice of him, because he wasn't the one being kept awake by her antics. I was. So, he was trying to let me get some sleep.

But, with the fan on and the doors shut, I found myself straining harder to hear if she was still at it. Eventually, her sobs evolved into louder and louder wails, and could be heard over the sound of the fan, even through 2 closed doors. I was sure the neighbors could also hear.

At this point I sighed and got up to pee again. I stood outside her door, listening to the howling, and a battle began.

I swear, if I had looked in the mirror, I would have seen a happy little rested, smiling version of myself on one shoulder, and the present version of myself, bags under eyes, messy hair, furious-expression-on-face on the other shoulder. The classic Angel and Devil. Right and Wrong. Good and Evil.

Devil me: "Ignore her, you've got to work in the morning! How will you function on so little sleep??"

Angel me: "She's so little, though. It's not her fault you have to work. She's calling for you, Mommy. She needs you."

Devil me: "Forget what she needs, YOU need to sleep! She will eventually cry herself out and fall asleep."

Angel me: "Is that want you want? To traumatize her? Do you want her last waking memory to be of you walking away from her as she cries inconsolably??"

Devil me: "Oh, please. Go back to bed so you can FUNCTION tomorrow!"

Angel me: "Go in there and lay down with her. She'll be asleep in no time, and you can go back to bed peacefully."

Blasted guilt-tripping angel.

See, I have serious Mommy Guilt. It stems from the fact that I have to work, and am not home all day with my baby. It's the way it has to be for now, but it doesn't change how I feel about it. I also realized that, if I were a stay-at-home Mom, I could be up with her all night, no problem, and we'd just take a nap together the next day. But, when you have to work... But like the stupid angel pointed out, it's not her fault that I have to work and need a full night's sleep in order to function there.

Into her room I trekked once more. I laid down in her bed. She immediately calmed down and threw her arms around my neck. We snuggled for a while, but she wasn't falling asleep. "Your eyes need to be closed, Ellie," I reminded her. She closed them. But, I could still feel the flutter of her eyelashes against my cheek when she peeked them open to check if I was sleeping.

I sat up. She reached for me, tears welling up again.

"I'm not leaving," I promised, "I'm just sitting up."

I stroked her eyes, her forehead, her cheekbone, her brow bone. Her eyelids fluttered shut. But, every once in a while she reached a chubby hand out to pat my leg. She was calm, but not sleeping.

She eventually rolled over and assumed the sleeping position; hands tucked neatly under her pillow. (she got this sleeping position from me!)... I assumed this was my cue to go. I carefully stood up.

Her eyes popped open (BLAST HER!!!!!!) and she sat up, frantically reaching out her arms for me. The sobbing was starting again. The lip was quivering. It was too pathetic to yell at her. "Ellie, Mommy needs to go pee, and then I will be back to lay down with you some more."

It worked. She rolled back over into our sleeping position.

I went to the bathroom, deliberately dragging out the process, hoping she would indeed be fast asleep so that I could FINALLY go back to bed.

I tiptoed out of the bathroom, listening. I heard nothing but silence, and the whisper of the fan going in our bedroom, calling to me to come and sleep. I obeyed. I was just falling asleep when I heard the wailing start up again.

Okay. At this point, it was almost 5 am. I was peeved. I was tired. I wasn't playing any more games.

I threw the covers aside, swearing in Spanish, new resolution in my baggy eyes. This was ending. NOW.

I flung open her door, snatched her out of bed like a football, stomped back to our room, tossed her like a sack of taters into our bed in between the two of us, rolled over, and FINALLY, we all fell asleep.

And today, I feel like poop. And if Ellie repeats the episode tonight, be watching for a Craigslist posting out of Cedar Rapids, IA:

"Very sweet 3 year-old for sale or barter, female, likes cheese, sometimes has a little trouble falling asleep at night... "